Finally, The End

-Are the Oscars really using Foo Fighters in a movie montage. And technically that Saving Private Ryan clip takes place in France. That America montage was a tad unfocused.

-I love the dead people montage. I'm not quite sure what that says about me.

-I am shocked, shocked that Helen Mirren won

-The show is running long and they're still doing those dopey interpretive dances?

-Is Peter O'Toole wearing a paisley smoking jacket?

-I'm sure it's a fine performance and all, but Forest Whitaker's semi-lazy eye freaks me out a bit. And I used to have a lazy eye.

-Do you think they'll riot if Scorsese doesn't win? Well at least people will quit their bitching now about him not winning.

-Seriously, the bald Jack Nicholson is freaking me out.

-Whatever, Departed producer. Nobody cares about you, just get on with it.

Well that was fun(ish)

Still the Oscars

-Did they just make a Volver-ine joke? Really?

-Can we pick up the pace guys? It's getting late for us east coasters and I have to get up early for work tomorrow

-I'm not surprised at the Little Miss Sunshine screenplay win because the screenplay categories are usually when they honor the small quirky movies

-That is a much better dress on Jennifer Hudson than the brown thing. Bonus: no shiny tinfoil jacket. Although her boobs are pretty jiggly while she's dancing

-This Beyonce dress is much prettier than the other tacky one. And the guy they're singing to is much hotter than Jamie Foxx.

-I think Beyonce may be having a seizure. I mean she usually gets into her singing, but this is ridiculous.

-Melissa Etheridge looks tiny next to Queen Latifah and Travolta. And the Dreamgirls people are pissed again. The original song category was their best shot!

Guess What, More Oscar Thoughts

-Did that Dancing With the Stars promo just call Ian Zierring a 90210 hunk? Please, he was the least hunky actor ever to appear on that show, and that includes Joe E. Tata.

-No way that a documentary about dancers or pianists is going to beat one about AIDS. The only subject that trumps AIDS is WWII.

-Oh Nick now hates Jerry Seinfeld

-Clint is not doing a very good job of reading his lines. Oh apparently he forgot his glass. Dude's old.

-That composer didn't win for the Good, Bad and the Ugly score? That score is iconic! I didn't know what movie it came from but totally recognized it as the ultimate Western score.

-Shouldn't Celine be in Vegas with her octagenarian husband?

-I'm going to guess that Happy Feet wins because everybody loves penguins. And I'm right.

-That was a very enthusiastic introduction, Affleck

-I want Borat to win because the speech would be hilarious, but I don't think a mostly improvised movie should win for screenplay

-Ok the live mannequins in the costume segment are also creepy. She won for Chariots of Fire? Isn't that movie about running. How exciting could jogging clothes possibly be. The Marie Antoinette costumes are fabulous.

-Oh it's Tom Cruise. What's that nutbag doing here.

-I'm sure she's a great humanitarian and all, but clearly Sherry Lansing is a fan of botox

-Oh it's those creepy interpretive dancers again. They should have just done the dance from the end of Little Miss Sunshine, cause that was awesome

-Naomi Watts' dress would be pretty without those weird sleeve things

-I know that technically movies from Canada are foreign films, but come on.

-Since when is Snakes on a Plane worthy of an Oscar mention

-Why are you so shocked Jennifer Hudson? You won every other pre Oscar award. And wait for George Clooney! I wouldn't waste any opportunity to get close to him.

Oscars Again

-Man is this Cars song boring. Where's, "It's Hard Out Here For a Pimp" when you need it.

-I would get annoyed with the "An Inconvenient Truth" lecturing on the screen behind Melissa, but since the powerpoint lecture is kind of the whole moview, it's actually kind of clever. Ok that's pretty short, that can't be the whole song.

-Oh look, Al Gore being "funny"

Even More Oscars

-Oh don't applaud the conducter, he's been kind of an asshole, playing off the winners

-Ok this sound effects thing is just creepy. And I'm not sure I buy that they're really doing all of that

-Ok, that was a pretty good sound editing joke, because I totally thought something was wrong with my TV for a second.

-So sound editing is for the foley stuff? Then what's sound mixing? I'm a bit torn because I wanted the Apocalypto guy to win because he's been nominated 18 times without winning, but I also don't want anything connected to Mel Gibson to win anything. Plus the guy who won is so boring.

-Yay, now we're getting to the real awards

-Mark Wahlberg's like thanks for bringing up my juvenile delinquent past, assholes.

-These are really short clips. Is this how they're saving time

-And it's the first upset of the night. Eddie Murphy is pissed. Alan Arkin is hilarious in Little Miss Sunshine

-How does one get into interpretive dancing? I think you have to be at least a little off in the head.

More Oscar Goodness

-Odd Will Ferrell introduction. And now they're singing. That's pretty awesome. The lesson learned, musical numbers are pretty awesome when performed by guys with jew fros and not choreographed by Debbie Allen

-Jaden Christopher however many other names he has Smith is adorable but is a little too eager to rush out on stage. Poor Abigail Breslin could barely keep up. But they are both adorable.

-I now really want to see that West Bank Story short movie, that looks awesome!

-I like how they're getting all the really boring categories out of the way early

And So It Begins...

Here's a little Oscar Stream of Consciousness

-Aww, that was sweet opening film, especially for like the short film people, cause nobody cares about them

-I wonder who gets stuck way up in the balcony

-It's nice to see Ellen really dressed up

-That is the awesomest handlebar mustache I've ever seen

-Is Jack Nicholson bald? Is he now taking styling tips from Britney Spears?

-Abigail Breslin's dress is a little too pretty, pretty princess for me, but when I was 12, I might have worn the same thing

-Ahh the red states are going to hate that Al Gore joke. However, I and all the other Hollywood liberals love it.

-Who doesn't love a rousing gospel number?

-Well the Pan's Labyrinth Art direction winners just answered my balcony question. I don't think they let the other art direction winner talk. That sucks for her, but is probably a blessing for the rest of us.

-Oh no! Interpretive Dancers

The ABC Pre-Show

-Cate Blanchett is very shiny

-Andre Leon Talley is wearing a Dracula cape in that Jennifer Hudson segment. It takes a secure man to pull that off

-Why is Patricia Field wearing a gigantic cold token. I hated the work she did on Sex and the City, but I have to admit that the clothes in The Devil Wears Prada were perfect.

-Aww, Ryan Gosling brought his mom and sister. He's hot and sweet. I'd do him.

-Who knew 15 years ago when Marky Mark was dancing around in his underwear, he'd one day be an oscar nominee?

-I love that color on Kate Winslet. She always looks amazing.

-Reese Witherspoon never looks bad, but she most always looks boring. And tonight is no exception.

See you at the main event.

What Were They Thinking?

-Why does Kirsten Dunst always wearing the weird granny outfits? And there are feathers.

-I'm not sure how I feel about Gwyneth's Dress. I like the color, but I don't think it's very flattering on her. And the front of the dress makes her look kind of bulgy. And she's a toothpick! But at least it's interesting.

-Beyonce's dress is tacky, tacky, tacky. At least she will probably be changing three times during the ceremony, as she is wont to do.

-I really hate Jay Emmanuel and his stupid telestrator.

-This was my visceral reaction when I saw Nicole Kidman: "Aaaaah." I actually said that out loud. First of all, that dress is red. And I usually love the color red, but damn is that red. And what's with the that weird bow thing? Whoever is going to be sitting behind her is going to be pissed.

Oscar Pre-Show

Just a few initial Oscar fashion thoughts:

-Why is Jennifer Hudson wearing a space age bolero jacket? It just looks tacky?

-Portia DeRossi looks fabulous. Her dress is sleek and simple without being boring. And she's like eleven feet tall.

-JLo is wearing like a 50's pageant dress. It makes her look dumpy, which is no easy feat.

-Penelope Cruz looks gorgeous as usual, and I'm glad she doesn't have the crazy big hair which she is sometimes prone to do, but it looks like some kind of fungus is growing at the bottom of her dress. I'm not whether that makes me like it more or less.

-Cameron Diaz looks like she took a table cloth and like stapled a dress together.

-What is Jessica Biel doing at the Oscars anyway? I mean do they not know that she was in Stealth? Or Blade Trinity? Anyway, now that she's there, I like that she's wearing color, but I'm not crazy about the belt.

-The crawl at the bottom of the E! pre-show is both fascinating and irritating. For example, Taylor from CA says, "Ryan! Marry Me! Do you think he or she is talking about Seacrest? Because I just don't see any other Ryans on the red carpet. I think this "Taylor" is either Seacrest's manager in a desperate attempt to make him seem desired or it's Nick in disguise.

-Rachel Weiz wants you to know that she has boobs! Also, her necklace looks like a Christmas tree ornament.

-I love Jada Pinkett Smith because she never wears black. I know black is the most flattering color to wear, but it's the most boring to look at.

-Maggie Gyllenhaal is looking uncharacteristically elegant and dignified. She usually looks a bit unconventional and disheveled.

-What is Celine Dion doing at the Oscars? And does any one else miss the backwards suit? I mean, sure it was butt ugly, but that's what make it fun.

I Will Now Only Answer To:

My Peculiar Aristocratic Title is: Honourable Lady Courtney the Indefatigable of Old Yarkhillshire Get your Peculiar Aristocratic Title

To be fair, it's hard to get fatigued when you hardly ever do anything.

Oh How I Want This Story To Be True

Stewart Stopped Dating Hopkins Because of Hannibal
Martha Stewart ended her brief relationship with Sir Anthony Hopkins, because she couldn't separate him from his famous character Hannibal Lecter. Stewart, 65, appeared on shock jock Howard Stern's radio show last week and admitted she had second thoughts about romancing the Welsh-born star after watching The Silence Of The Lambs while they were dating. She said, "Oh, I loved him, but he was... scary. I was going to invite him up to Maine; I have this beautiful home in Maine... but then I reconsidered because I saw that movie again. Do you want someone eating your brain while you are sitting in your beautiful dining room in Maine?" Hopkins won an Academy Award for his portrayal of Dr, Lecter, but the accolades weren't enough to sway Stewart. She adds, "I would have probably had a very nice relationship with Anthony Hopkins, but I couldn't get past the Lecter thing."

courtesy of http://www.imdb.com/news/wenn/2006-12-19/

Yay! Now the good stuff begins. And by the good stuff I mean the show, because this blog is going to be boring.

-I would find this opening sketch billy crystal-ish if they weren't doing some of my favorite shows and if Conan O'Brien wasn't fucking funny.
-The jokes so far are hit and miss. Although I'm not ashamed to say that I laughed out loud for the 14 second joke.
-Yay a dance number!
-Why is Bryan Cranston wearing a Lucky Charms box?
-I predict Megan Mullaly because the Emmy voters are not very creative.
-I'm a genius
-I'm predicting Alan Alda and I would not be sad about that, but the 24 Prez would not be a bad choice. Please just not William Shatner again.
-Wow I'm good
-My mother is watching with me, and while it's not totally annoying she clearly doesn't know my no talking during the ceremony rule. She also took the remote. Me no likey.
-Go Grey's anatomy ladies!
-Blythe fucking Danner? No way.
-With how the awards are going tonight, it's going to be Sean Hayes.
-And I'm pleasantly surprised. You go Jeremy Piven. You seem like kinda an ass, but a funny one.
-Bob Newhart in a box!
-That was a cute bit, Christopher Meloni. You're more than just scarily intense.
-I want Kelly MacDonald to win because she was awesome in that one episode of Alias, but she's not famous enough for this category. The miniseries categories usually go to the movie actors who are slumming it on TV.
-Yay! and I was wrong. Oh well. Her dress is a little short. I might like it more if it were a different color.
-Go Daily Show! Jon Stewart is one of my favorite TV boyfriends.
-And they win again! This is a really boring blog so far. See I called it.
-For the love of God, Jennifer Love Hewitt stop it with the Mystic Tan.
-Cloris Leachman had a bricklayer? Like as a pet?
-This category is directing for shows I don't watch. I'm rooting for that guy.
-As for writing, go The Office! But Arrested Development is going to win and I can't argue with that.
-Ok, I was wrong. Apparently My Name is Earl has the best writing and directing but is not nominated for best show. Whatever, I don't watch the show. Great speech though.

Ok I wrote a bunch of other stuff but Blogger ate it. This might be the end of my illustrious blogging career

Emmys, Emmys, Emmys

So it's been a little while since the last time I posted. Fine, it's been over a year. So I thought I'd jump back in on a subject that I happen to know a bit about: Television. Specifically, the Emmys. Now I don't pretend to understand the crackhead Emmy process or the crackhead Emmy voters, but I thought I'd blog my insightful comments about the pre-shows and the ceremony. And by insightful comments I of course mean petty bitching.

The E!, TVGuide, and NBC Pre-Shows
-Ryan Seacrest is such a tool but I love how obvious it is that he and Giuliana can't stand each other. They pretend it's fake, but you know it's real.
-Virginia Madsen has breasts and she'd really like you to see them.
-So does Jean Smart.
-Oh my god, the Carters (aka Nick, Aaron, and siblings) now have their own reality show. Why?
-Katherine Heigl and Allison Janney looks gorgeous. I know shocking, but they both have that whole old school 30's and 40's glamour thing going on.
-Sandra Oh's outfit however looks a little too fussy for me. Too many ruffles, too much jewelry
-I'm also loving Helen Mirren. Her dress matches her hair! That's some color coordinating.
-Chandra Wilson also looks fabulous. I'm loving the read. I also seem to be loving most everything so far. I promise some negativity soon.
-Joan Rivers looks plastic. Cheap shot, but there you go.
-I would get pregnant right now if I could guarantee I would look like Heidi Klum. That must be why she's been constantly pregnant for the last 3 years. I would hate her but I've recently become obsessed with Project Runway, so I find her kind of delightful. Damnit. Where IS my negativity.
-Patrick Dempsey's hair is slightly less McDreamier than usual. I'd still do him though.
-Seacrest can't stop staring at himself in the monitor.
-Someone give Kim Raver a sandwich now!
-I love Jenna Fischer (from The office) and she looks gorgeous, but I'm not sure about the color and the dress is a little too long.
-I think I may hate Billy Bush more than Ryan Seacrest. That makes me want to cry. There are few things I'm secure of in this world, but my hate for Ryan Seacrest is one thing I'm sure of.
-Tim Gunn! I don't usually go for older gay gentleman, but I could listen to him talk all night. Have I said too much?
-What's with Maria Menounos' Maleficent Sleeping Beauty collar?
-I hate to disagree with the almighty Tim Gunn but I'm not crazy about Sarah Chalke's 70's bridesmaid dress.
-Ellen Pompeo would also like you to know that she has breasts, but since she's usually the size of a q-tip, they're a nice sight to see.
-Jamie Pressley looks quite lovely and not at all like white trash, which is a bit of a surprise.
-Oh Seacrest, stop pretending that you don't don't know who all of the designers are. Nobody believes you.
-Poor Simon Cowell. He's clearly not getting a cut of those American Idol millions because he can't even afford a shirt with all of its buttons.
-I love Kathy Griffin's dress. It's a gorgeous color.
-Kate Walsh is very shiny. She looks kind of like a disco ball. But in a good way.
-Oh Jeremy Piven. An ascot? Is that ever a good idea?
-Sean Hayes' date looks about 12. I really hope she's his niece or something.
-Well it's not Paula Abdul's outfit. And that's about the best thing I can say about it. She's clearly drunk though, and that's always fun.
-And for the last time: Shut it Seacrest!

The Most Awesome Thing Ever (and by ever I mean today)

Part of my job description is to ready all of the items that customers want to ship to other places for Fedex to pickup and deliver. Due to our close proximity to the local jail and since loved ones can only ship reading materials to prisoners through a bookstore, I end up sending a lot of Maxim and other like periodicals to horny criminals (the only rule on porn: no penetration. Guess whose job it is to check on that).

Today I shipped this.

I hope that prisoner enjoys sodomy, because when his cellmates see that, he's gonna be somebody's butt monkey.

Oh Yeah...

So here are the unidentified quotes:

3. The Italian Job. I heart Seth Green.

11. Ella Enchanted. Only the best movie ever.

12. Tara actually got this right, Say Anything... On paper (so to speak) it's a little schmaltzy, but in the movie itself, it's awesome.

15. Undercover Blues. I don't know why, but this movie cracks me up and Dennis Quaid is really hot in it.

16. The Princess Diaries. This movie is so cute. And I'm not a very "cute" person.

Hey, let's play a game

As you may well have noticed, I'm still having trouble writing entries. I've had ideas, ideas that I'll probably put to use at a later date, and time to write them down, but watching a bad romantic comedy on TBS always seems more pressing. Go figure. So in an effort to jump start my creative juices, I'm going to steal an idea from my friend John. Only mine is going to be less structured because I'm lazy.

Basically I'm going to list some of my favorite movie quotes and you, the mere 5 or so people who actually read this blog, are going to guess the various movies that they come from. As soon as one is guessed, it will be crossed off the list. I know these are all really easy, but please don't guess them all too soon as I still have to learn how to actually cross things out in HTML.

1) "Remove head from sphincter, then drive!"
Ten Things I Hate about You guessed by J.B. One of my all time favorites. You just don't here the word sphincter enough in casual conversation.

2) "And there's Marla Hooch. What a hitter!"
A League of Their Own also guessed by J.B., although Nick did mention this one to me in person. This quote is a lot funnier in context though.

3) "YEAH. Got the Holy Spirit. You should get on it. It's a good train."

4) "Who's scruffy looking?"
The Empire Strikes Back guessed by resident Star Wars geek, Brian.

5) "And I thought there are four of us, if we ever find the lady. Hello lady!"
The Princess Bride guessed by everyone and their mother.

6) "Damn you, Salazar! Damn you!"
Charlie's Angels, guessed by Eric. So obvious, but I had to include it.

7) "Why don't you shove 'em up your ass?"
"Because it would hurt a lot, Warren."
Empire Records again guessed by J.B. The inclusion of the word "Warren" was kind of a dead giveaway.

8) "You hate people!"
"But I love gatherings. Isn't it ironic?"
Clerks guessed by Eric. Perfect for me. Except for the loving gatherings part.

9) "Oh big sacrifice. Everyone you know is dead. Glad you could tear yourself away."
Thumb Wars. I knew Eric would get this one and I was not disappointed.

10) "I love this plan. I'm excited to be a part of it. Let's do it."
Ghostbusters guessed by film professional Tara. This narrowly beat out the "dogs and cats living together speech" but that seemed so obvious.

11) "Ladies, Ladies, Ladies. Stop tonguing the foyer!"

12) "I'm a guy, I have pride."
"No, you're not a guy. The world is full of guys. Be a man."

13) "Only one reason Christian girls come down to the Planned Parenthood."
"She's planting a pipe bomb?"
"Ok, two reasons."
Saved, J.B. got it. The thing I like about this quote (aside from the obvious humor) is that the second line is delivered sincerely not sarcastically, like he honestly couldn't think of another reason why a Christian girl would sneak off to Planned Parenthood.

14)"Well fuck me with a chainsaw, Veronica"
Heathers guessed by Eric. Such imagery there.

15) "Don't make any sudden moves."
"Why not? Is there a bee on me?"

16) "Wait up, wait for me. Not you, I don't even know you."

17) "Genocide's the most exhausting activity one can engage in, next to soccer."
Dogma guessed by Tara, which is one of my all-time favorite movies. And soccer is very exhausting.

18) "Peter, this is the worst time you could have called! Go away! Ok, bye."
Trekkies guessed once again by Tara. Showoff. Anyway, this is the only movie I've had to pause twice because I (and my other viewing companions) were laughing too hard to continue.

19) "I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible."
When Harry Met Sally guessed by Tara. She's on a roll. It's one of my two "sincere" quotes. In my defense, it's not delivered in a terribly schmoopy way.

20) "You can never go home again, Oatman. But I guess you can shop there."
Grosse Point Blank guessed by the mysterious Ocean. This movie is so hilarious it made it very difficult to choose just one quote.

I'm sure there are more awesome quotes out there, but I can't really think of them right now. Have fun, and give everyone a chance to play.

Happy Halloween, Happy Thanksgiving, Merry Christmas, Happy New Year

So in case you haven't noticed, I haven't exactly written in here lately. So in apology, I offer the above salutations.

This blog has never been about detailing what's going on in my life, but rather whatever strikes me. Well nothing has really struck me over the last few months. Well it has, but not enough to make me sit down and write about it.

Generally I don't make New Years resolutions, because nobody ever keeps them, but I am going to make a concerted effort to write here more, so that's something to look forward to.

I know you're all waiting on the edge of your seat.