Maybe I Don't Feel Like Smiling...

Finally, The End

2007-02-25T20:33:00.000-08:00

-Are the Oscars really using Foo Fighters in a movie montage. And technically that Saving Private Ryan clip takes place in France. That America montage was a tad unfocused.

-I love the dead people montage. I'm not quite sure what that says about me.

-I am shocked, shocked that Helen Mirren won

-The show is running long and they're still doing those dopey interpretive dances?

-Is Peter O'Toole wearing a paisley smoking jacket?

-I'm sure it's a fine performance and all, but Forest Whitaker's semi-lazy eye freaks me out a bit. And I used to have a lazy eye.

-Do you think they'll riot if Scorsese doesn't win? Well at least people will quit their bitching now about him not winning.

-Seriously, the bald Jack Nicholson is freaking me out.

-Whatever, Departed producer. Nobody cares about you, just get on with it.

Well that was fun(ish)

Still the Oscars

2007-02-25T20:07:00.000-08:00

-Did they just make a Volver-ine joke? Really?

-Can we pick up the pace guys? It's getting late for us east coasters and I have to get up early for work tomorrow

-I'm not surprised at the Little Miss Sunshine screenplay win because the screenplay categories are usually when they honor the small quirky movies

-That is a much better dress on Jennifer Hudson than the brown thing. Bonus: no shiny tinfoil jacket. Although her boobs are pretty jiggly while she's dancing

-This Beyonce dress is much prettier than the other tacky one. And the guy they're singing to is much hotter than Jamie Foxx.

-I think Beyonce may be having a seizure. I mean she usually gets into her singing, but this is ridiculous.

-Melissa Etheridge looks tiny next to Queen Latifah and Travolta. And the Dreamgirls people are pissed again. The original song category was their best shot!

Guess What, More Oscar Thoughts

2007-02-25T19:40:00.000-08:00

-Did that Dancing With the Stars promo just call Ian Zierring a 90210 hunk? Please, he was the least hunky actor ever to appear on that show, and that includes Joe E. Tata.

-No way that a documentary about dancers or pianists is going to beat one about AIDS. The only subject that trumps AIDS is WWII.

-Oh Nick now hates Jerry Seinfeld

-Clint is not doing a very good job of reading his lines. Oh apparently he forgot his glass. Dude's old.

-That composer didn't win for the Good, Bad and the Ugly score? That score is iconic! I didn't know what movie it came from but totally recognized it as the ultimate Western score.

-Shouldn't Celine be in Vegas with her octagenarian husband?

2007-02-25T18:43:00.000-08:00

-I'm going to guess that Happy Feet wins because everybody loves penguins. And I'm right.

-That was a very enthusiastic introduction, Affleck

-I want Borat to win because the speech would be hilarious, but I don't think a mostly improvised movie should win for screenplay

-Ok the live mannequins in the costume segment are also creepy. She won for Chariots of Fire? Isn't that movie about running. How exciting could jogging clothes possibly be. The Marie Antoinette costumes are fabulous.

-Oh it's Tom Cruise. What's that nutbag doing here.

-I'm sure she's a great humanitarian and all, but clearly Sherry Lansing is a fan of botox

-Oh it's those creepy interpretive dancers again. They should have just done the dance from the end of Little Miss Sunshine, cause that was awesome

-Naomi Watts' dress would be pretty without those weird sleeve things

-I know that technically movies from Canada are foreign films, but come on.

-Since when is Snakes on a Plane worthy of an Oscar mention

-Why are you so shocked Jennifer Hudson? You won every other pre Oscar award. And wait for George Clooney! I wouldn't waste any opportunity to get close to him.

Oscars Again

2007-02-25T18:30:00.000-08:00

-Man is this Cars song boring. Where's, "It's Hard Out Here For a Pimp" when you need it.

-I would get annoyed with the "An Inconvenient Truth" lecturing on the screen behind Melissa, but since the powerpoint lecture is kind of the whole moview, it's actually kind of clever. Ok that's pretty short, that can't be the whole song.

-Oh look, Al Gore being "funny"

Even More Oscars

2007-02-25T18:11:00.000-08:00

-Oh don't applaud the conducter, he's been kind of an asshole, playing off the winners

-Ok this sound effects thing is just creepy. And I'm not sure I buy that they're really doing all of that

-Ok, that was a pretty good sound editing joke, because I totally thought something was wrong with my TV for a second.

-So sound editing is for the foley stuff? Then what's sound mixing? I'm a bit torn because I wanted the Apocalypto guy to win because he's been nominated 18 times without winning, but I also don't want anything connected to Mel Gibson to win anything. Plus the guy who won is so boring.

-Yay, now we're getting to the real awards

-Mark Wahlberg's like thanks for bringing up my juvenile delinquent past, assholes.

-These are really short clips. Is this how they're saving time

-And it's the first upset of the night. Eddie Murphy is pissed. Alan Arkin is hilarious in Little Miss Sunshine

-How does one get into interpretive dancing? I think you have to be at least a little off in the head.

More Oscar Goodness

2007-02-25T17:52:00.000-08:00

-Odd Will Ferrell introduction. And now they're singing. That's pretty awesome. The lesson learned, musical numbers are pretty awesome when performed by guys with jew fros and not choreographed by Debbie Allen

-Jaden Christopher however many other names he has Smith is adorable but is a little too eager to rush out on stage. Poor Abigail Breslin could barely keep up. But they are both adorable.

-I now really want to see that West Bank Story short movie, that looks awesome!

-I like how they're getting all the really boring categories out of the way early

And So It Begins...

2007-02-25T17:30:00.000-08:00

Here's a little Oscar Stream of Consciousness

-Aww, that was sweet opening film, especially for like the short film people, cause nobody cares about them

-I wonder who gets stuck way up in the balcony

-It's nice to see Ellen really dressed up

-That is the awesomest handlebar mustache I've ever seen

-Is Jack Nicholson bald? Is he now taking styling tips from Britney Spears?

-Abigail Breslin's dress is a little too pretty, pretty princess for me, but when I was 12, I might have worn the same thing

-Ahh the red states are going to hate that Al Gore joke. However, I and all the other Hollywood liberals love it.

-Who doesn't love a rousing gospel number?

-Well the Pan's Labyrinth Art direction winners just answered my balcony question. I don't think they let the other art direction winner talk. That sucks for her, but is probably a blessing for the rest of us.

-Oh no! Interpretive Dancers

The ABC Pre-Show

2007-02-25T16:58:00.000-08:00

-Cate Blanchett is very shiny

-Andre Leon Talley is wearing a Dracula cape in that Jennifer Hudson segment. It takes a secure man to pull that off

-Why is Patricia Field wearing a gigantic cold token. I hated the work she did on Sex and the City, but I have to admit that the clothes in The Devil Wears Prada were perfect.

-Aww, Ryan Gosling brought his mom and sister. He's hot and sweet. I'd do him.

-Who knew 15 years ago when Marky Mark was dancing around in his underwear, he'd one day be an oscar nominee?

-I love that color on Kate Winslet. She always looks amazing.

-Reese Witherspoon never looks bad, but she most always looks boring. And tonight is no exception.

See you at the main event.

What Were They Thinking?

2007-02-25T16:26:00.000-08:00

-Why does Kirsten Dunst always wearing the weird granny outfits? And there are feathers.

-I'm not sure how I feel about Gwyneth's Dress. I like the color, but I don't think it's very flattering on her. And the front of the dress makes her look kind of bulgy. And she's a toothpick! But at least it's interesting.

-Beyonce's dress is tacky, tacky, tacky. At least she will probably be changing three times during the ceremony, as she is wont to do.

-I really hate Jay Emmanuel and his stupid telestrator.

-This was my visceral reaction when I saw Nicole Kidman: "Aaaaah." I actually said that out loud. First of all, that dress is red. And I usually love the color red, but damn is that red. And what's with the that weird bow thing? Whoever is going to be sitting behind her is going to be pissed.

Oscar Pre-Show

2007-02-25T15:51:00.000-08:00

Just a few initial Oscar fashion thoughts:

-Why is Jennifer Hudson wearing a space age bolero jacket? It just looks tacky?

-Portia DeRossi looks fabulous. Her dress is sleek and simple without being boring. And she's like eleven feet tall.

-JLo is wearing like a 50's pageant dress. It makes her look dumpy, which is no easy feat.

-Penelope Cruz looks gorgeous as usual, and I'm glad she doesn't have the crazy big hair which she is sometimes prone to do, but it looks like some kind of fungus is growing at the bottom of her dress. I'm not whether that makes me like it more or less.

-Cameron Diaz looks like she took a table cloth and like stapled a dress together.

-What is Jessica Biel doing at the Oscars anyway? I mean do they not know that she was in Stealth? Or Blade Trinity? Anyway, now that she's there, I like that she's wearing color, but I'm not crazy about the belt.

-The crawl at the bottom of the E! pre-show is both fascinating and irritating. For example, Taylor from CA says, "Ryan! Marry Me! Do you think he or she is talking about Seacrest? Because I just don't see any other Ryans on the red carpet. I think this "Taylor" is either Seacrest's manager in a desperate attempt to make him seem desired or it's Nick in disguise.

-Rachel Weiz wants you to know that she has boobs! Also, her necklace looks like a Christmas tree ornament.

-I love Jada Pinkett Smith because she never wears black. I know black is the most flattering color to wear, but it's the most boring to look at.

-Maggie Gyllenhaal is looking uncharacteristically elegant and dignified. She usually looks a bit unconventional and disheveled.

-What is Celine Dion doing at the Oscars? And does any one else miss the backwards suit? I mean, sure it was butt ugly, but that's what make it fun.

I Will Now Only Answer To:

2006-12-21T17:44:00.000-08:00

My Peculiar Aristocratic Title is:
Honourable Lady Courtney the Indefatigable of Old Yarkhillshire
Get your Peculiar Aristocratic Title

To be fair, it's hard to get fatigued when you hardly ever do anything.

Oh How I Want This Story To Be True

2006-12-19T16:00:00.000-08:00

Stewart Stopped Dating Hopkins Because of Hannibal
Martha Stewart ended her brief relationship with Sir Anthony Hopkins, because she couldn't separate him from his famous character Hannibal Lecter. Stewart, 65, appeared on shock jock Howard Stern's radio show last week and admitted she had second thoughts about romancing the Welsh-born star after watching The Silence Of The Lambs while they were dating. She said, "Oh, I loved him, but he was... scary. I was going to invite him up to Maine; I have this beautiful home in Maine... but then I reconsidered because I saw that movie again. Do you want someone eating your brain while you are sitting in your beautiful dining room in Maine?" Hopkins won an Academy Award for his portrayal of Dr, Lecter, but the accolades weren't enough to sway Stewart. She adds, "I would have probably had a very nice relationship with Anthony Hopkins, but I couldn't get past the Lecter thing."

courtesy of http://www.imdb.com/news/wenn/2006-12-19/

2006-08-27T20:10:00.000-07:00

Yay! Now the good stuff begins. And by the good stuff I mean the show, because this blog is going to be boring.

-I would find this opening sketch billy crystal-ish if they weren't doing some of my favorite shows and if Conan O'Brien wasn't fucking funny.
-The jokes so far are hit and miss. Although I'm not ashamed to say that I laughed out loud for the 14 second joke.
-Yay a dance number!
-Why is Bryan Cranston wearing a Lucky Charms box?
-I predict Megan Mullaly because the Emmy voters are not very creative.
-I'm a genius
-I'm predicting Alan Alda and I would not be sad about that, but the 24 Prez would not be a bad choice. Please just not William Shatner again.
-Wow I'm good
-My mother is watching with me, and while it's not totally annoying she clearly doesn't know my no talking during the ceremony rule. She also took the remote. Me no likey.
-Go Grey's anatomy ladies!
-Blythe fucking Danner? No way.
-With how the awards are going tonight, it's going to be Sean Hayes.
-And I'm pleasantly surprised. You go Jeremy Piven. You seem like kinda an ass, but a funny one.
-Bob Newhart in a box!
-That was a cute bit, Christopher Meloni. You're more than just scarily intense.
-I want Kelly MacDonald to win because she was awesome in that one episode of Alias, but she's not famous enough for this category. The miniseries categories usually go to the movie actors who are slumming it on TV.
-Yay! and I was wrong. Oh well. Her dress is a little short. I might like it more if it were a different color.
-Go Daily Show! Jon Stewart is one of my favorite TV boyfriends.
-And they win again! This is a really boring blog so far. See I called it.
-For the love of God, Jennifer Love Hewitt stop it with the Mystic Tan.
-Cloris Leachman had a bricklayer? Like as a pet?
-This category is directing for shows I don't watch. I'm rooting for that guy.
-As for writing, go The Office! But Arrested Development is going to win and I can't argue with that.
-Ok, I was wrong. Apparently My Name is Earl has the best writing and directing but is not nominated for best show. Whatever, I don't watch the show. Great speech though.

Ok I wrote a bunch of other stuff but Blogger ate it. This might be the end of my illustrious blogging career

Emmys, Emmys, Emmys

2006-08-27T15:32:00.000-07:00

So it's been a little while since the last time I posted. Fine, it's been over a year. So I thought I'd jump back in on a subject that I happen to know a bit about: Television. Specifically, the Emmys. Now I don't pretend to understand the crackhead Emmy process or the crackhead Emmy voters, but I thought I'd blog my insightful comments about the pre-shows and the ceremony. And by insightful comments I of course mean petty bitching.

The E!, TVGuide, and NBC Pre-Shows
-Ryan Seacrest is such a tool but I love how obvious it is that he and Giuliana can't stand each other. They pretend it's fake, but you know it's real.
-Virginia Madsen has breasts and she'd really like you to see them.
-So does Jean Smart.
-Oh my god, the Carters (aka Nick, Aaron, and siblings) now have their own reality show. Why?
-Katherine Heigl and Allison Janney looks gorgeous. I know shocking, but they both have that whole old school 30's and 40's glamour thing going on.
-Sandra Oh's outfit however looks a little too fussy for me. Too many ruffles, too much jewelry
-I'm also loving Helen Mirren. Her dress matches her hair! That's some color coordinating.
-Chandra Wilson also looks fabulous. I'm loving the read. I also seem to be loving most everything so far. I promise some negativity soon.
-Joan Rivers looks plastic. Cheap shot, but there you go.
-I would get pregnant right now if I could guarantee I would look like Heidi Klum. That must be why she's been constantly pregnant for the last 3 years. I would hate her but I've recently become obsessed with Project Runway, so I find her kind of delightful. Damnit. Where IS my negativity.
-Patrick Dempsey's hair is slightly less McDreamier than usual. I'd still do him though.
-Seacrest can't stop staring at himself in the monitor.
-Someone give Kim Raver a sandwich now!
-I love Jenna Fischer (from The office) and she looks gorgeous, but I'm not sure about the color and the dress is a little too long.
-I think I may hate Billy Bush more than Ryan Seacrest. That makes me want to cry. There are few things I'm secure of in this world, but my hate for Ryan Seacrest is one thing I'm sure of.
-Tim Gunn! I don't usually go for older gay gentleman, but I could listen to him talk all night. Have I said too much?
-What's with Maria Menounos' Maleficent Sleeping Beauty collar?
-I hate to disagree with the almighty Tim Gunn but I'm not crazy about Sarah Chalke's 70's bridesmaid dress.
-Ellen Pompeo would also like you to know that she has breasts, but since she's usually the size of a q-tip, they're a nice sight to see.
-Jamie Pressley looks quite lovely and not at all like white trash, which is a bit of a surprise.
-Oh Seacrest, stop pretending that you don't don't know who all of the designers are. Nobody believes you.
-Poor Simon Cowell. He's clearly not getting a cut of those American Idol millions because he can't even afford a shirt with all of its buttons.
-I love Kathy Griffin's dress. It's a gorgeous color.
-Kate Walsh is very shiny. She looks kind of like a disco ball. But in a good way.
-Oh Jeremy Piven. An ascot? Is that ever a good idea?
-Sean Hayes' date looks about 12. I really hope she's his niece or something.
-Well it's not Paula Abdul's outfit. And that's about the best thing I can say about it. She's clearly drunk though, and that's always fun.
-And for the last time: Shut it Seacrest!

The Most Awesome Thing Ever (and by ever I mean today)

2005-04-18T17:58:00.000-07:00

Part of my job description is to ready all of the items that customers want to ship to other places for Fedex to pickup and deliver. Due to our close proximity to the local jail and since loved ones can only ship reading materials to prisoners through a bookstore, I end up sending a lot of Maxim and other like periodicals to horny criminals (the only rule on porn: no penetration. Guess whose job it is to check on that).

Today I shipped this.

I hope that prisoner enjoys sodomy, because when his cellmates see that, he's gonna be somebody's butt monkey.

Oh Yeah...

2005-04-18T17:51:00.000-07:00

So here are the unidentified quotes:

3. The Italian Job. I heart Seth Green.

11. Ella Enchanted. Only the best movie ever.

12. Tara actually got this right, Say Anything... On paper (so to speak) it's a little schmaltzy, but in the movie itself, it's awesome.

15. Undercover Blues. I don't know why, but this movie cracks me up and Dennis Quaid is really hot in it.

16. The Princess Diaries. This movie is so cute. And I'm not a very "cute" person.

Hey, let's play a game

2005-02-06T11:32:00.000-08:00

As you may well have noticed, I'm still having trouble writing entries. I've had ideas, ideas that I'll probably put to use at a later date, and time to write them down, but watching a bad romantic comedy on TBS always seems more pressing. Go figure. So in an effort to jump start my creative juices, I'm going to steal an idea from my friend John. Only mine is going to be less structured because I'm lazy.

Basically I'm going to list some of my favorite movie quotes and you, the mere 5 or so people who actually read this blog, are going to guess the various movies that they come from. As soon as one is guessed, it will be crossed off the list. I know these are all really easy, but please don't guess them all too soon as I still have to learn how to actually cross things out in HTML.

1) ~~"Remove head from sphincter, then drive!"~~
Ten Things I Hate about You guessed by J.B. One of my all time favorites. You just don't here the word sphincter enough in casual conversation.

2) ~~"And there's Marla Hooch. What a hitter!"~~
A League of Their Own also guessed by J.B., although Nick did mention this one to me in person. This quote is a lot funnier in context though.

3) "YEAH. Got the Holy Spirit. You should get on it. It's a good train."

4) ~~"Who's scruffy looking?"~~
The Empire Strikes Back guessed by resident Star Wars geek, Brian.

5) ~~"And I thought there are four of us, if we ever find the lady. Hello lady!"~~
The Princess Bride guessed by everyone and their mother.

6) ~~"Damn you, Salazar! Damn you!"~~
Charlie's Angels, guessed by Eric. So obvious, but I had to include it.

7) "Why don't you shove 'em up your ass?"
"Because it would hurt a lot, Warren."
Empire Records again guessed by J.B. The inclusion of the word "Warren" was kind of a dead giveaway.

8) "You hate people!"
"But I love gatherings. Isn't it ironic?"
Clerks guessed by Eric. Perfect for me. Except for the loving gatherings part.

9) ~~"Oh big sacrifice. Everyone you know is dead. Glad you could tear yourself away."~~
Thumb Wars. I knew Eric would get this one and I was not disappointed.

10) ~~"I love this plan. I'm excited to be a part of it. Let's do it."~~
Ghostbusters guessed by film professional Tara. This narrowly beat out the "dogs and cats living together speech" but that seemed so obvious.

11) "Ladies, Ladies, Ladies. Stop tonguing the foyer!"

12) "I'm a guy, I have pride."
"No, you're not a guy. The world is full of guys. Be a man."

13) "Only one reason Christian girls come down to the Planned Parenthood."
"She's planting a pipe bomb?"
"Ok, two reasons."
Saved, J.B. got it. The thing I like about this quote (aside from the obvious humor) is that the second line is delivered sincerely not sarcastically, like he honestly couldn't think of another reason why a Christian girl would sneak off to Planned Parenthood.

14)~~"Well fuck me with a chainsaw, Veronica"~~
Heathers guessed by Eric. Such imagery there.

15) "Don't make any sudden moves."
"Why not? Is there a bee on me?"

16) "Wait up, wait for me. Not you, I don't even know you."

17) ~~"Genocide's the most exhausting activity one can engage in, next to soccer."~~
Dogma guessed by Tara, which is one of my all-time favorite movies. And soccer is very exhausting.

18) ~~"Peter, this is the worst time you could have called! Go away! Ok, bye."~~
Trekkies guessed once again by Tara. Showoff. Anyway, this is the only movie I've had to pause twice because I (and my other viewing companions) were laughing too hard to continue.

19) ~~"I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible."~~
When Harry Met Sally guessed by Tara. She's on a roll. It's one of my two "sincere" quotes. In my defense, it's not delivered in a terribly schmoopy way.

20) ~~"You can never go home again, Oatman. But I guess you can shop there."~~
Grosse Point Blank guessed by the mysterious Ocean. This movie is so hilarious it made it very difficult to choose just one quote.

I'm sure there are more awesome quotes out there, but I can't really think of them right now. Have fun, and give everyone a chance to play.

Happy Halloween, Happy Thanksgiving, Merry Christmas, Happy New Year

2005-01-09T16:07:00.000-08:00

So in case you haven't noticed, I haven't exactly written in here lately. So in apology, I offer the above salutations.

This blog has never been about detailing what's going on in my life, but rather whatever strikes me. Well nothing has really struck me over the last few months. Well it has, but not enough to make me sit down and write about it.

Generally I don't make New Years resolutions, because nobody ever keeps them, but I am going to make a concerted effort to write here more, so that's something to look forward to.

I know you're all waiting on the edge of your seat.

I Now Like Atlanta Again

2004-10-17T09:15:00.000-07:00

I have to admit that I'm surprised, yet pleased by this ruling. To paraphrase the article, the Atlanta 11th circuit court of appeals ruled that the requirement of metal detectors at a protest outside of a military base was unconsitutional. The metal detectors had been implemented after September 11th, but the court said that we couldn't sacrifice the Constitution until the War on Terror is over because the War on Terror might never be over. Amen. I remember after September 11th when people were saying that they'd be willing to give up just a little bit of freedom for our safety which I always thought was bullshit. For one thing, there has to be a way to prevent terrorism without violating the Bill of Rights, and for another thing, the reason why I live here and not anywhere else is because of those rights and I'm willing to die for it. Although not in a military sense because I'm not really very strong. I'm a little surprised that this ruling came down in the very conservative Georgia, but relieved that there is still some common sense in the judicial process. I'm also interested to see how this sets a precedent for the Patriot Act and other future rulings on the violation of personal rights in the name of Homeland security.

The one where I make fun of serious mental issues

2004-10-14T09:10:00.000-07:00

I was receiving special orders (i.e. books that nobody else but this one person wants therefore we don't carry it in the store) yesterday when I came across a book entitled A Bipolar Roadtrip. Usually I don't pay an enormous amount of attention to the books, after all if they were really interesting we'd probably already have them, but this one intrigued me. What the hell is a bipolar roadtrip? Maybe it meant that it was a roadtrip OF bipolars, like Crossroads. You know, it was really story of the wacky adventures of a manic depressive support group crossing the country on their quest for Zoloft. That's a fun read, right!

Or maybe the word bipolar didn't describe the people on the trip, but rather the theme of it. One day the participants go to Disneyland, the next a Holocaust museum. It's the emotional rollercoaster vacation! Really I think this is an untapped market in the travel industry, designing vacations after mental disorders. Try the social phobic vacation at our fabulous Buddhist monastery. It has beautiful scenery and you won't have to talk with anyone because they've all taken a vow of silence! How about the claustrophobic tour of the plains states. Just look at that wide open field. No closed in spaces there, plus Mmm, corn. Or how about the agoraphobic holiday where we take you to the place you like best, your living room! I'm not sure, but I think this tour just might include virtual reality. Yay! I'm just waiting for this idea to explode.

It turned out that the roadtrip was just a metaphor for this one chick's life with bipolar, but I think I like my ways better.

Just To Let You Know...

2004-09-15T19:20:00.000-07:00

I added my comments to Eric's hilarious breakdown of the fall schedule on Inneffectual Whore. I'd add the link here but it's in the post below, and quite frankly, I'm lazy.

Don't Call It a Comeback

2004-09-13T18:30:00.000-07:00

No, I was not pinned under a heavy bookcase or win a trip around the world or anything else equally dramatic kept me from posting an entry for an entire freaking month. No it was far worse. The universe, the republican party, and my own computer all conspired against me, denying me the sweet, sweet, constant information and stimulation that I so desperately desire. Each time the internet explorer popped up that error window, I swear I could hear faint maniacal laughter coming from some unknown place, mocking me and my pain. Well it took some time, because hey, that's a pretty big conspiracy up there I mentioned, but my lovely roommate and his equally lovely boyfriend just bitch-slapped that phantom maniacal laughter into silence. That's right bitches, I'm back.

Not much has happened in the month since we last spoke. One of my friends got married, another engaged, I may have come to a decision about my career path, and I got a year older. You know, grown-up stuff. Which is weird because I'm so not grown-up. Meanwhile I will continue updating my own special brand of randomosity with regular infrequency. Oh, and stay tuned to the Whore because I am in the middle of writing something massive so it should be up there by October. Of 2005. Ahh. Didn't you miss me?

Fun Things I Learned at Work Last Week

2004-08-09T09:29:00.000-07:00

1) According to Sports Illustrated, the Romanian rhythmic gymnastics teams claim that they lost the European championship because they were hexed by 15 psychics hired by the Russian team. Those crazy Russians! I think this is brilliant, and the perfect solution to all of my problems. Someone bothers me at work, it's hexing time. My random neighbor practices his horn instrument at 7:30 in the morning on a Sunday again? Hex his ass. I mean if it can work on those tiny little girls with the ribbons, than surely it can work on anyone. Although I didn't know that Psychics practiced hexing. I thought they were less proactive than that.

2) Not only is there a calendar of Outhouses available, but people actually buy it. I don't know what's weirder, the fact that someone had the idea that taking pictures of a bunch of outside toilets would make an excellent calendar, or that someone wants to greet everyday of an entire year with bathrooms. That doesn't say much about your expectations for the coming year. Plus, they don't even show the toilets, which I think we can all agree is the heart of any bathroom. So it's just a bunch of small buildings in the middle of nature. If they didn't tell us, we could just as soon assume it was a shed or something.

Exposed

2004-07-31T19:35:00.000-07:00

I saw my ex-boyfriend Alex this week and the experience was surreal enough to spawn a flurry of introspection. My history with Alex is long and convoluted, and seeing him again, it's hard not to reflect on who we were and who we've both become in the ten years that we've known each other. What first drew me to him was that he saw the world in a way that was so different than anyone else I knew, a way that is so indescribable that it can only be defined as "Alex." I've seen his interests float from ROTC, skateboarding, punk music, Eagle Scouts, computers, and music. He was always looking for adventure and new experiences and seemed to fit in wherever he went. I'm sure it didn't always feel that way to him, but at that time his humor and confidence was exactly what I needed. Unfortunately I was just coming off my first real, long-term relationship, and it would be an understatement to say that it was an unhealthy one. I was very skittish during the course of our relationship and when the opportunity came for my family to move, I pounced on it hungrily. It had nothing to do with Alex, I was extremely unhappy with the rest of my life, but I think he was hurt by my eagerness to leave. Truth be told, I was so scared that I probably would have screwed it up somehow, so it's probably a good thing I left before I could have damaged our friendship as well. The connection has remained and since then we have gotten together several times, but geography, and my own issues, have kept us apart.

Still, every time we talk or every time I know we are about to see each other, my heart skips a beat. I think that maybe something will happen, something that will indicate that passion, that pull that we had together, but for the first time I realized that that's not going to happen. He was playing his music (think Ross on his casio keyboard in Friends) in this bizarre hipster San Francisco art gallery/club(soooo not my scene), I realized that we are far too different right now and neither of us has what the other needs right now. Part of me is relieved, I can let this go and Alex doesn't have to be the one that got away. Or more specifically, the one I let get away because I was too wrapped up in my own anxieties and fears. I can love the boy that he was and respect the man that he is now.

The other part of me is nervous. In a way, Alex was an easy answer. He's someone who already knows some of my quirks, my hang-ups, my neuroses. In short, he's someone I've already let in.

And I don't let people in easily.

It's common knowledge that I'm not a big hugger. Or cuddler. Or really very touchy-feely in any sort of way. My aunt once claimed that I have the biggest personal space of anyone she's ever met and she's not wrong. My co-workers call it The Bubble. Anytime a customer or a particularly vile colleague gets to close, they laugh at my visible discomfort and comment on how the bubble has been breached.

But the bubble transcends physicality and surrounds me on an emotional level as well. Something unseen that both separates and protects me from everything and everyone else. In the beginning it was imposed upon me, by both genetics and circumstance. I'm naturally an introvert which is not a comment on whether or not I'm outgoing (although let the record show that I'm not) but how I get my strength. According to my therapist, extroverts gather their energy from being around people, while introverts get it from being alone. Whenever I'm around people, whether they are enjoyable or tiresome, I'm always left drained. So my natural disposition coupled with the fact that for a long time I was an only child whose parents worked a lot, I spent a great deal of time on my own, which isn't necessarily a bad thing. Back then the bubble was clear and iridescent, like one freshly blown from the bottle. I could still see and interact with the world, but in my own skewed, beautiful way.

As I grew up the bubble naturally clouded and became harder, tougher. Kids are rough and I've always had what my psychiatrist called a "tender soul" (though I denied it at first). I take things very personally and the innate callousness of kids going through puberty forced had me becoming more cautious about who I trust. Gradually I started to gain more confidence and become comfortable in my surroundings.

Then, when I was 15, my world fell apart. The aforementioned unhealthy boyfriend who claimed to love me above all else, turned out to be an obsessive, manipulative, headcase and the rest of my friends abandoned me. I was alone. Most of the time life changes so slowly that you don't realize that things are different, but in one moment that year I knew that I would never be the same again. A heaviness infected my body and heart that day, one that makes it impossible to breathe fully and deeply, one that has yet to completely dissipate nearly ten years later. My anger yelled and screamed, but no one heard. My hurt cried and cut, but no one saw.

And so I rebuilt the bubble until it was hard and opaque; I had learned my lesson. People came and went from my life, some of whom were fun acquaintances, some of whom I considered friends, some of whom were more, but rarely did I let them past the surface level. With each perceived hurt and rejection, the bubble became harder, darker, and heavier. Only once I thought to reach out for help but my cry was dismissed, something I have yet to fully forgive my mother for.

Eventually the bubble became so dark, heavy and oppressive that my world came crashing down on me again. The world was so black that death seemed like the only path to light. And so I took it, or tried to anyway. Needless to say it didn't work, but scared me enough to demand help. The fragile illusion of the healthy, normal person I desperately tried to project was ripped away to expose the mess I had become.

It's been several years and diagnosis since then and I've dealt with or accepted many of my issues, but there are some that I continue to work on. I have great people in my life now, but I rarely let them see the whole me. I don't want to say the real me, because the fun, sarcastic aspect of my personality is just as much a part of me as the scared, pathetic side or the vulnerable, raw side.

But the fun, sarcastic side is a lot more impervious to hurt than the other and I can't completely abandon my bubble. I can't radically change the way that I am just because I don't want to be that way anymore. I need some sort of protection, but I'm not really sure how to not become too protected.

I'm coming to a point in my life where I actually kind of want a relationship that goes beyond friendship. There are times where I actually crave the touch of man's fingertips as they brush through my hair, someone to laugh in bed with, or a guy who makes my skin flush and my blood heat. But let's face it, relationships are scary and tough. I think that's why I clung to Alex, or the idea of Alex for so long. He was safe. When you love someone as fully as you can, you let them go farther than anyone else, and the prospect of finding that with some unknown person is daunting to say the least.

Adding to the anxiety is the fact that I have the tendency to see the worst in all of the relationships surrounding me. One the one hand it's smart, because I know what I want to avoid in a relationship, but on the other hand it probably adds to the anxiety. I'm scared of changing the core of who I am for the sake of compromise. I don't want to lose myself in one person to where I toss away any identity that I ever had and abandon everyone around me in favor of that one person. I'm afraid of being hurt beyond salvation because no one knows how to exploit your vulnerabilities more than someone you love.

Quite simply, I'm scared. And I don't know what to do about it.

This Just In: Torture Bad

2004-07-23T09:53:00.000-07:00

Here is a headline I actually saw on AOL News today: Poll Shows Americans Against Using Torture. You would think that this would be a gimme, just one of those things that everyone in the world (who is not a super secret spy) knows is bad, like AIDS, famine, or movies based on reality TV phenomena. But no, apparently we need a poll to illustrate the idea that the act of deliberately causing another human being physical or mental distress is not the most upstanding thing to do. apparently not all Americans agree with that though, only a majority do. Since this poll was about the current war in Iraq, I'm guessing that these people who were all cool with torture are probably in no danger of being tortured themselves. Because if they were they'd probably come around to our way of thinking. I mean if you think torture is a dandy way to pass the time then fine, that's your perogative. But you have to believe in torture for everyone, because otherwise you're just a big hypocrite.

You know you want to

2004-07-10T10:38:00.000-07:00

I just wanted to let y'all know that Ineffectual Whore is up and running. Yay! It's a little side project that Eric and I are doing and if you want to know what it's all about, well then you'll just have to see for yourself. Now.

No, seriously, go now. I'll wait right here.

Compared to this, the Apostles had it easy

2004-07-06T20:29:00.000-07:00

So I was doing RPL in the cult classics dvd section at work today and I think that I may have come across the most awesome movie of all time: Jesus Christ: Vampire Hunter. So Jesus comes back to Earth for his second coming and finds the world overrun by bloodsucking fiends from beyond the grave, who are conveniently impervious to sunlight (I have a feeling this is just because the "auteurs" couldn't afford night shoots). So before he can get to his preaching, healing, and making entire gourmet meals from the meager contents of my refrigerator, he must kick some undead ass. Don't worry though, he doesn't have to do it alone. Oh no, he has Mexican wrestling star "El Santos" to help him. And if dealing with Biblical prophesy and killer bloodsuckers weren't enough, Jesus also has to cope with ever-changing sexual politics. The best part: it's a musical!

I'm seriously considering buying this movie.

What the fuck?

2004-07-03T08:25:00.000-07:00

I just took the quiz from J.B.'s site and apparently:

You are a WEDL--Wacky Emotional Destructive Leader. This makes you an anarchist. You don't give a damn. When push comes to shove, you just forget about it--it's just not worth the heartache. What this means for others is that dealing with you can be aggravating, because they find they can't get you motivated about things they care about. What this means for you is that you are happier, calmer, and saner then they are on their best days.

You are near-immune to criticism, and those who know you well acknowledge and respect that. You may come across as lazy, but the truth is that you find little to get worked up about. Regardless, you have slews of friends, because they are fascinated by your world view, jealous of your lifestyle, and drawn to the fact that you are hilarious to be around.

You are a pillar in a sea of hot-bloodedness. You have a sweet tooth.

Umm. No. Well I have a sweet tooth, but I think everything else about that is wrong, wrong, wrong. A test online couldn't describe my personality accurately? I'm shocked, SHOCKED I tell you.

Books are Cool

2004-06-30T21:11:00.000-07:00

As a kid I spent most of my summers in the small town of Smackover, Arkansas (hence the user name in my URL, I knew no one else would have it). Despite it's somewhat exiting name, there was not a whole lot to do in Smackover. I spent most of my time watching TV (I know, shocking), swimming in the pool, riding in a golf cart, and playing in the library. My Grandmother was the local high school librarian and while she worked, I would find ways to entertain myself. I would type on the typewriter, look up random things in the card catalog, and read the illicit Sweet Valley High books. I just totally dated myself there didn't I?

Anyway, as a result of all those days running around with the whole place to myself, I have a love of books and the library that has been with me even to this day. Unfortunately many libraries today are facing massive budget cutbacks which are forcing them to eliminate staff and resources as well as stopping the ordering of new books. To counteract this, many libraries have set up wishlists on Amazon.com where people can donate books online. Over here, Pamie lists different places to donate to the San Diego library system, an area that was devastated by fires last year. I donated to Oakland last year and felt good about myself for weeks. And let's face it, I need all the good karma points I can get.

Now I know many of us are poor, and if you can't donate that's cool. But if you could just post a link to the information on your site or mention it to a friend, then maybe someone who otherwise wouldn't have known about it, will donate something. And that's worth good karma points, too!

So come on people, no child should be denied the right to visit a Chocolate factory or play The Westing Game.

The Anti-List

2004-06-25T15:09:00.000-07:00

Looking back at some of my older entries, I realize that I spend a lot of time ranting and complaining about the many annoyances of my life. I'm ok with that, it works for me, but one might come away with the impression that I'm a huge ball of negativity that shuns joy in favor of the dark and bleak. While that's not that far from the truth, I do occasionally let a few of rays of sunshine into my cold, dead heart. What is about to follow is a recitation of some of the things that fill me with peace and happiness. It's The Anti-List, if you will.

1)Television. Come on, you knew it was coming. I could and do watch hours upon hours of TV. It's an activity I find surprisingly interactive, not just with my equally-obsessed roommate, but with the programming itself. People who shut off their brains while watching are missing out, because the best shows can make you ponder life's questions while the worst ones can really sharpen your snarking skills. And you really don't want to let those get rusty.

2)In a related note, TV box sets on DVD. Seriously, these are like my crack. I love being able to watch my favorite hours of television any time I want, not being a slave to the scheduling monkeys that program TV content. The biggest problem with these is that they can be kind of expensive which is an issue when three of tour favorite shows come out with releases within weeks of each other.

3)Bendy Straws. They satisfy my oral fixation, while being extra fun.

4)Madonna. I saw her concert a few weeks ago, and it was like being in church. In the non-sacrilegious way. I saw her Drowned World Tour a few years ago, and while I loved every second of it, despite my distaste for large crowds, my one (tiny) complaint was that she didn't sing any of her classic stuff. So when I heard those first few beats of "Vogue" I nearly teared up. I was finally about to hear my favorite artist sing live some of my absolute favorite songs. And with Madonna, you're not just hearing some music, you're seeing a show. It was so damn entertaining that I think all the dancing that I was doing was the best workout I've had in years. It was totally worth the astronomical ticket price.

5)My iPod. It holds my entire music collection onto something smaller than an index card. That's genius. Between that, and iTunes, I've barely touched my cd collection in months, except to download more music.

6)The kind of laughter that hurts your stomach and makes you fall to the floor, rolling and gasping for breath because you are guffawing too hard to control your own body.

7)Puzzles. I'm not sure why, but if you were to get all psychoanalytical on me, you could probably say my love for puzzles stem from the fact that I'm so confused about my own life and future, that figuring out a complex puzzle brings a badly needed sense of control and accomplishment to my life. Or that they're pretty.

8)Coke. It's the official soft drink of heaven.

9)The Olympics. I love watching obscure sporting events that we only even see every four years. I love the grand pageantry of it all. I love that it always contains a few upsets and surprises. I love the hot swimmer boys. The Olympics basically have just as much drama as anything projected on a movie screen.

10)My friends. Aww. Now enough schmaltz. Go away.

Where's Tippi Hedren When You Need Her?

2004-06-19T08:19:00.000-07:00

When we moved into our apartment last summer, we began to notice odd sounds coming from outside our windows at all hours of the day. An incessant chirping noise could be heard in the early rising of the morning, the darkest depths of night, and anytime in between. At first it was like, "oh listen to the sounds of nature at work." Oh it totally wasn't for my roommate and I couldn't give a rat's ass about nature, but at first the noise was tolerable. Then we discovered the nest that was resting precariously on our front porch. I guess they figured that those freaky giant creatures can make their homes in entirely wooden structures, why can't we? I don't why since there are plenty of trees just outside our building, but what can you do? Anyways, vague tolerance soon turned into sheer annoyance. A loud cacophony always greeted me at the most inopportune moments. Trying to go to sleep? Trying to do homework? HaHa, think again sucker. Those stupid birds really made me work and concentrate on whatever it is I wanted to do, and being lazy I naturally resented that.

I know some of you out there are thinking, why not just get rid of the nest? It's a perfectly valid question, but I had heard somewhere a long time ago that if a mother bird can sense a human smell emitting from her nest, then she won't ever go back to it and her babies will starve to death. Now I'm just fine with the former result, but I'm no baby killer. Maybe it's because I read Are You My Mother? too many times as a child, but I don't want that kind of guilt (or the ghost of Dr. Seuss) weighing on my conscience. So we decided to wait them out, and remove the nest after they flew south for the winter. Yes this would leave them homeless, but we figured it was time for them to find their own damn house, and if that didn't work maybe Habitat for Birdkind would help build them a home that would naturally be filmed for a touching reality show aimed at the feathered set.

The trouble is, as I mentioned before, I'm lazy. The phrase "out of sight, out of mind" came into play and we forgot all about the sad little pile of sticks that remained on our balcony. That is, we forgot until a few weeks ago when the first few chirps could be heard, intruding on the quiet peaceful air. We had missed our very large window of opportunity and are now doomed to another whole summer of us against the birds. I hope that by the end of the summer the shrieking will not have sent me over the edge, rendering me not responsible for my own actions. Otherwise those baby birds just might have to learn to find their own damn food.

I'm a Healthy Eater!

2004-06-16T17:54:00.000-07:00

I heard on the radio that french fries are now being classified by the FDA as a vegetable. Hooray! I can now claim to have vegetables as a regular part of my diet. Of course they were quick to mention that this classification was for commerce purposes, not nutritional ones. Whatever, I'll go enjoy my vegetables now.

Quick Additions

2004-06-15T08:25:00.000-07:00

More for the list:

6) People (particularly celebrities) who name their kids fucked up names for the sake of being different. Different is fine. There are an awful lot of Michaels, Matthews, and Elizabeths out there. Audio Science is not ok. Pilot Inspektor is not ok. Apple and CoCo are not ok. These kids will have to go their whole lives listening to lame jokes and not being taken seriously as professional adults because they're named after fruit. Will no one think of the children?

7) Harry. This is in honor of my favorite roommate and partner in bitchiness, Eric. This ungrateful, unintelligent, slime of a human being had the nerve to berate Eric for doing his job, and giving up his day off to do so, when technically Eric is his superior. In a store of a bunch of whiners and idiots, congratulations Harry, you were the worst. We hope that you come down with a very painful and debilitating disease, possibly of the STD variety.

The List, part deux

2004-06-14T10:03:00.000-07:00

Let the vicious (verbal) beatings begin!

1) Charles Rubin. Normally I wouldn't throw a specific (non-celebrity) name out their for all the world and google to read, but this man pissed me off more than any other person who is not my mother ever has before, and I want him to suffer for it. I want anyone who happens to be searching for him or his stupid book to come across this entry and think twice about giving up even the tiniest portion of their time and/or money towards this rude jackass. The asshole was an author who was invited by our grossly incompetent area marketing manager to have do an event in our store this past weekend. His book is directed towards parents dealing with drug-addicted children, which is admirable, but I now believe this man to be too idiotic and insensitive to be helpful at all. He called a few hours beforehand to ask for directions to the store. Ordinarily that would be perfectly acceptable, but he was coming from over an hour and a half away and was already in the car on his way. I may be crazy, but when I'm expected at a certain place by a certain time, I look up the exact route online before I leave, just to make sure that I have adequate time to get there and have more than a vague notion how to get there. Even if for some insane reason you don't have access to the internet, INVEST IN A FUCKING MAP. Those of us who were there didn't know how to get to our store from his location because it's not like his town enters into our daily routine, or that we have regular customers from there. I told him how to get to the store once he hit a certain freeway, (which he claimed to know how to get to) and gave him the very simple directions a minimum of six times. When we couldn't give him the information he wanted, he berated and demeaned us (well mainly me), and from the very beginning his tone was condescendingly rude and spiraled into downright hostility. I'm sorry that I don't have a GPS system implanted in my brain, but I can't magically pull information out of my ass because you were to fucking lazy to do your responsibility. He called several times and the last time he called he claimed that we kept giving different and conflicting directions. I either spoke to him, or was standing next to the person who spoke to him at the time, and we gave him the exact same, simple directions that all employees give at least 5 times a day, and they all seem to get to the store ok. So essentially he either wasn't listening or flat-out lying, either way not desirable attributes for anyone dealing with the thorny issue of drug addiction. I have worked in that store for over two years and I know what I am doing. I am not an incompetent worker like this man said I was, he is an incompetent human being. If you ever come across this man, I strongly encourage you to give him hell.

2)People who plagiarize others words, or just generally take credit for other people's words. Since there seems to be some confusion out there, dictionary.com defines the word plagiarize as: 1)To use and pass off (the ideas or writings of another) as one's own. 2)To appropriate for use as one's own passages or ideas from (another). Apparently there has been some confusion about whether or not this is wrong. I always thought that this was a given and that people who did it just didn't care, but it is without a doubt wrong in every sense of the word. First of all it is illegal. I know that in this world of digital information and the internet, regulation and enforcement of an individual's material is next to impossible. I'm not sure the internet should be regulated, because I think it's one of the last forums for a free exchange of ideas. But this is not so much about legality, as it is about ethics. A person, the essence of who he or she is, is made up by that persons thoughts, actions, emotions, and words. By taking someone else's words you are stealing, yes stealing, a piece of them and misrepresenting who you are. Also, the act itself of taking someone else's words as your own, is a dishonest and amoral one and reflects poorly on you. I'm not saying you should never reference the works of others, hell that's what research papers are all about, but it's not to difficult to add the words "written by _______ _______" to any piece. I'm not using this space to passively aggressively snipe at intended targets, those in question know how I feel about this, I just wanted to more eloquently put together an argument against this heinous act. As a writer and a (hopefully) moral person, I find the practice of plagiarism both offensive and reprehensible.

3) Everyone responsible for the show "The Swan." Let's send out the message that physical beauty is the key to happiness and then tell them that they aren't good enough! Assholes.

4) Giuliana from E! Just because she annoys me.

5) James Van Der Beek. Just because.

Hey I'm not dead!

2004-06-11T14:04:00.000-07:00

The world of computers and technology has been conspiring against me. In other words my computer has been broken for a few weeks now. But guess what, it's now fixed! Now I can do all those things I should be doing like fine-tuning my resume and looking for jobs. But I'll probably just be reading recaps because I'm lazy and fear change and/or rejection. I promise content of the more substantial variety soon, but well I'm tired. Leave me alone.

Umm, ok

2004-05-17T15:38:00.000-07:00

Your True Nature by llScorpiusll
Username
The quality that most appeals to you:	Loyalty
In a survival situation, you:	Run like hell
Your hidden talent is:	Seeing the best in others
Your gift is:	Irresistible attractiveness
In groups, you:	Don't fit in
Your best quality is:	Your creativity
Your weakness is:	Your furious temper

Created with the ORIGINAL MemeGen!

Yes, beware my temper. It's deadly.

Hey guess what

2004-05-15T13:35:00.000-07:00

You can now talk back to me. This probably isn't the best idea, but whatever. I don't care what people think about me.

Please love me.

The Others

2004-05-15T13:02:00.000-07:00

So I just googled my name and apparently I am also a conservative kindergarten teacher in North Carolina,a special education major in Valdosta who seems to like all things cutesy, and someone who really likes Walt Whitman and wrote a really bad paper about him. Though I suppose my name is not the most unusual running around out there (unlike the newly monikered Apple Blythe Alison Martin)it's a little bizarre thinking about someone out there who shares that major part of your identity. I mean are names are part of what shapes us. A Rainbow can't help but be flighty whereas a Carlton can't help but be stuffy. And yet these other Courtneys out there seem so different from me, all perky and cute. Maybe I'm the badly named Courtney. Damn you parents!

Spectator Drama

2004-05-11T10:24:00.000-07:00

So two of my friends are fighting. Or rather two of them are attempting to fight. One has horrific fears of confrontation (which I can understand) and has been avoiding talking with the other person except for the occasional veiled blog comment. The other, after repeated attempts to talk to the other in person (one time I was actually physically present for so the other person can't even try to pretend that no contacts have been attempted, Crystal) has taken to not so veiled bitchy remarks on his own blog. Other friends have added their own two cents and now it's a whole big blog fight with everyone because one person won't talk about it in person. Got that? It's all very convuluted.

I usually try to stay out of these kinds of things because usually everyone involved in group drama comes out of it with some kind of taint. I actually enjoy a bit or drama as long as it's not happening to me (and it usually isn't because of the aforementioned staying-out-of-it) because I think it's fascinating people-watching. In my experience the people who proclaim to hate drama the most, are usually the ones who court it the most. They usually behave in ways that are so contrary to the no-drama code that it is a delicious study in people screwing themselves.

It's time to step out of the shadows and jump into the fray, because this drama is tearing long-term friendships apart over a boyfriend. Crystal, this is not about Him or whether he makes you think you're happy. This is about you. We don't want you dissapearing inside of him, throwing away everything that is you all for someone you've only known for a couple of months. Now maybe we don't know the whole story, but that's never going to happen unless you TALK to us. Key word: talk. We don't want to lose you as a friend, but by not talking to us(specifically Eric) you are saying that our friendship is not important to you. That we are not important to you. I'm not saying this as a threat, but from what I've heard, if you don't talk to them soon, you'll lose them forever. If that's fine with you, then I hope you and Christopher are together forever because everyone else may not be there when it's over. If you don't call you'll lose friendships, if you do call you could save them. This really should be a no-brainer.

Everyone else, a little less bitchiness would not be monumentally out of line. I know it stems out of frustration because you care so much, but being mean is not the most mature way to handle problems either.

Let's grow up together people, maturity is within our grasp.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go back to the sidelines now.

Big Surprise

2004-05-11T10:01:00.000-07:00

Take the What High School
Stereotype Are You? quiz.

I don't think anyone will find this particularly shocking.

The List

2004-05-01T10:20:00.000-07:00

The most fun I've ever had at any job, involved a little something called, The List. Although, sadly, I was not involved in starting The List, I came to fully embrace its intoxicating pleasures for it involved two of my favorite things: complaining about rude and/or stupid people, and wishing them bodily harm. The two guys who originated The List envisioned a tv show where they wore armani suits and brought out people who annoyed them one by one. They would then proceed to beat the crap out of that person. When they were finished, they would through 50 dollar bills on the person and say "Clean yourself up you dirty bastard." Yeah, I don't really get it either.

For the next few weeks people were rushing around to add to The List. No one was safe. We put down specific known individuals, groups of people, celebrities, random customers, and even ourselves. In fact one of the founders of the list was numbers 27-76 on The List.

The list grew to over 400 entries and 5 pages before The List fervor finally died down and eventually extinguished.

Until now.

I don't care about the armani suits or 50 dollar bills (although if someone were to give me some violence-free, I wouldn't complain), but there are so many people who need some sense knocked into them and by God I'm just the person to do it. And when I say knock some sense into them, I obviously mean complain about them anonymously over the internet, so here we go (and warning: many of these will be bookstore related).

1) People who stay in my store (or any retail outlet) with young children after 10 p.m. Kids need sleep and lots of it, a minimum of 12 hours a night. That 7-8 year old girl that was in my store until 10:45 last night, should have been in bed by 9 p.m. at the very latest. This particular family is there every Friday night and I suspect it is because they want their daughter to wake up later than usual so they themselves can sleep in. While that's not the most heinous parenting ever, it's pretty selfish and I hope parents who do this are rewarded with particularly difficult teenagers.

2) Parents who sit and read magazines, or wander off to another section of the store while their kids run around and tear apart our children's department. This is not your home or a daycare, this is a public area and a place of business. I was fairly spoiled as a child, but my relatives would have been appalled if I tried to get away with half the stuff that these kids do. And then I would have gotten my ass whooped. We have to damaged out so many books that a child destroys because his or her adult supervisor is not paying attention to what they are doing.

3) People who refer to the monster from Mary Shelley's Frankenstein as Frankenstein. The doctor who made the monster is named Frankenstein, the monster itself has no name. That's part of what makes it so tragic. And scary. Yes I was an English major. What of it?

4) People who tack the word "At" on the end of a sentence as in "Where's the maps at" (yes that is actually something someone has said to me.) Now despite the English degree, I know that my grammar is not perfect, but this absolutely drives me up the freaking wall.

5) Paris Hilton. I hate that I live in a world where everybody knows who she is. Even before the whole sex tape thing I knew who she was and I hated myself for it. She has done nothing but be born rich, partied, and dress skunks.

6) People who don't tip enough. I always tip a minimum of 15% and add to that for escalating degrees of good service. Not only is this simply what my parents taught me to do, but even the worst waiter/waitress I've ever had was about 10 times better at it then I could ever be and I'm just grateful that I'm not doing it. The tipping rules vary accordingly to different kinds of services (haircuts, pizza delivery, bellhops), but these other services require adequate tipping as well. It's the classy thing to do.

There are many, many more who deserve to be on the list and I will continue to add to it periodically. So those who piss me off, watch your back.

Not to get too political

2004-04-21T09:38:00.000-07:00

If you too are concerned with how much power the FCC is being given in this preposterous post-Super Bowl era (not to mention being worried that this is all an election year ruse but that's not really the issue), then you should go to this website, http://www.stopfcc.com.

There you can sign a petition or even send faxes to your US Senator. Free speech is one of our most important ideals in this country and I don't think that any one person's ideas about "decency" should infringe upon that. Hell, I think Ann Coulter and Bill O'Reilly are indecent and I still show people their books, albeit grudgingly.

Further Proof that I'm a Geek...

2004-04-17T13:16:00.000-07:00

Here's a conversation I had at the registers the other day:

Me: "Your total is $39.93. Hey that's a palindrome!

Customer gives me a Look.

Me: "But with...numbers?"

Customer still silent.

Me: sigh "umm...nevermind."

I guess that wasn't so much a conversation as it was a monologue. Or possibly a soliloquy. What's the difference?

Adventures in Jury duty

2004-04-16T11:07:00.000-07:00

Well I have not been chosen to be on a jury of my peers. That sound you hear is my peers emitting a collected sigh of relief.

It was my first time ever being called into jury duty. I don't know how I managed to avoid that for 6 years, but I was grateful for it. As much as I believe in the concept of trial by jury, that doesn't mean I want to be on one. Plus considering how much I freak out about my own future, I really don't think I'm qualified to decide anyone else's.

So needless to say, I was a bit apprehensive about yesterday. Like always when entering new situations, I was paranoid that the worst would happen. I consulted everyone at work about what reading materials I should bring to best portray the "you don't want me on your jury" kind of vibe I was looking for. Suggestions ran from hardcore right wing radical books by a Michael Savage or Ann Coulter (although honestly, I don't know if I could stomach even pretending to read those books) or one about psychosis. I then decided something like The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook would be best because of it's interactiveness, it would show that it was something that I was genuinely battling with, not just something I had an academic interest. In the end I wound up bringing Misadventures in the (213), which was so funny that I kept having to cover my face with the book which I'm sure made me appear crazy enough. I also wore my "Do I Look Like A People Person?" t-shirt, but it was a bit cold so I never took off my fleece.

Anyways, I got up butt ass early (I've been closing every night so my body clock is on a later time table) to drive to Martinez. No offense to Martinez, but you blow. Seriously, parking sucks, and I saw about 89 antique shops within a five block radius and one of them had a gigantic poodle in the window. Who wants to own a gigantic ceramic poodle? Stay away from me.

So I was directed to the jury assembly room where I filled out a couple of questionnaires. One was a generic race, age, no-name kind of thing, but the other had questions like: "Do your religious beliefs make you unable to make fair judgments about doctors?" What? I couldn't in good conscience lie about any of these questions and worried about appearing like Miss Open-Minded 2004. The only question I could really check yes to was if myself, a family member, or close friend had ever been a part of, victim of, or witness to a crime? Well the bank that my mother managed was robbed at gunpoint. Of course it was like, 1985 and I didn't find out about until years later, but I hardly see how that was relevant. If that was a little too far back then I had a back-up crime. My friend Alia was car-jacked a few years ago, also at gunpoint. This was after I had moved away and we really hadn't talked in a while and I've only talked to her once since the incident, but we were close friends in high school so, semantics!

Then we waited. And waited some more. At least I had the forethought to bring the aforementioned funny book and Ipod to drown out Good Morning America/Live with Regis and Kelly/The View that was blaring in the background. We watched the "Jury Duty Orientation" propaganda video where I learned nothing that I didn't already know from watching a single episode of Night Court. And Dan Fielding, hell even Harry Anderson, was way more entertaining than any of the actors that they hired to tell us about the joys and honor of serving on a jury. And I know what a fucking bailiff is! I'm twenty-fucking-four years old! The best part was when they told us not feel bad about ourselves if we weren't chosen for a jury, that it just meant that we weren't right for that particular jury. Yes, like I'm going to go home and weep into my pillow, wailing about how I apparently wasn't far and impartial enough.

Then we waited some more.

Next about 75 "random" names were called. Though I wasn't on that list, I was kind of hoping that I was just so I could go ahead and be declared unfit so I could go home and watch Angel (which by the way soooo good, if a little weird).

Guess what we did then? If you said "waited" then you just won a prize. I'll be sending it soon.

Awhile later, another list was read of people who would be reporting to a courtroom after lunch, to which I said "fuck let's just do it now I don't want to wait that long" Luckily I wasn't on that list either. There were only about 30 people left in the room and I was beginning to feel unwanted, but in a good way. Then they brought in one last list that consisted of 14 people who were to turn in their badges and leave. Oh please let me finally be chosen, let this be the list upon which my name graces. And it was. Praise Jesus.

I don't know why I was dismissed, while other people had to stay. My only explanation is the aforementioned crime question, so the case must have involved a knifing or something. To which I say, thank you mysterious bank robber who held up that Murray Savings and Loan in Dallas, lo those many years ago. Due to your stupidity, I was spared a gigantic hassle. I do have to say that after all my finger-wringing and teeth-gnashing I do feel a bit sheepish at the fact that I never left the assembly room and was home by noon. But not enough to not feel psyched at the prospect of not having to perform my civic duty for at least another year.

Just Ignore Me

2004-04-15T14:01:00.000-07:00

Moving right along, nothing to see here.

2004-04-09T10:50:00.000-07:00

I know that I have a reputation of being a somewhat sarcastic, cynical hardass. But those who know me a little bit beyond the surface level, understand that I have a whimsical side as well. Never was that side more apparent then last night. Eric and I embarked on a magical movie journey after hours at the Blackhawk movie theater. We ripped on the implausible and inexplicable ending of The Prince & Me. He explained the exposition that I had missed from the confusing yet ultimately kickass Hellboy ending. With the incompatible peppy music playing over the credits, we bopped right on out of the theater, and into the eyeline of some Danville "thugs" so we immediately ran away.

Then it was onto the main event, we finally got to see an entire movie. And oh what a movie it was. Ella Enchanted was a crazy, wonderful subversive fairy tale. I don't think that I have had such a gleeful movie experience in quite some time. Of course seeing it in an empty theater where I could yell and cheer all I wanted probably helped in that regard. I think Eric described it best when he said it was like a live action Shrek. The acting ranges from acceptable to good, from understating to 'dear God where did all that scenery go.' And I know my feelings on singing and dancing in movies have been well documented: it makes every movie better. Seriously, it makes great movies (the aforementioned Shrek) brilliant, good movies (Romy and Michelle's High School Reunion) great, and sucky movies (She's All That) somewhat watchable. Ella Enchanted had two (well two and a half) production numbers. The moral of the story is a little bit obvious, but with all of the fun I was having I really didn't care. We were dancing throughout the entire movie, including the credits.

Now this movie isn't for everyone. If you can only stand independent movies about the human condition and think everything Hollywood makes is worthless filth, then you're a snob and shouldn't see this movie. If you're a guy's guy who can only watch our governor or a wrestling star blow up the bad guys, then your overcompensating for something and shouldn't see this movie. If you don't have a heart, then stay home. Everyone else, enjoy.

2004-04-02T09:14:00.000-08:00

Yay, I got a new phone the other day. It's been a long time coming since I've had my old phone for nearly two years. While the new phone is certainly very pretty (so shiny!) it's not particularly fancy. It doesn't take pictures, function as a GPS, or turn into a swiss army knife. I don't really need or want anything that fancy because quite frankly, not that many people call me. I only had a few requirements. One was that it needed to be a flip phone so no one will ever be subjected to the "Ode to the inside of Courtney's purse and whatever happens to be playing on the radio at the time." I know that on non-flip phones you can lock the keys but I always forgot. The other requirement was that there be a caller I.D./clock window on the outside of the phone. I'm just lazy. So now with my new phone I'll be able to respond to text messages. I'm still not sure if that is a good thing. People that I know seem to get into a lot fights over text messages which doesn't seem to be the most efficient way to fight. I kinda liked having the excuse that my phone wouldn't physically able to respond. Now I'll just have to fall back on the fact that I'm lazy and forgetful. It seems to work for everything else.

2004-03-29T09:53:00.000-08:00

Can I just say that the ads that blogger put on here as a result of my user name (smackover) are hilarious. Arkansas biker bars? Hah! And Smackover tourism? I don't think Smackover has tourists.

2004-03-29T09:44:00.000-08:00

This is a brand-new day, ladies and gentlemen. I'm switching to a blog way of life in hopes that the shorter format will appeal to my similar attention span and I'll, you know, actually update. Now I won't be doing what's new with my life. Frankly, not enough new stuff happens to make that even remotely interesting and everyone just hears about it anyway. So I'll probably be using this space to complain, after all it's what I do best. But first, stay tuned for a multi-post arc on why I like TV. Cause you know I do.